literally had 100 drinks last night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
