Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
