omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
