if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
