WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
