If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
