I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
