I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
