Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
