I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
