Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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