So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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