Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
