Kiss
Puke
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
