i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
