i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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