Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
