I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
