I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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