I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
