I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We just shotgunned beers for America
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
