I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
