I skipped work to stalk him.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
