She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
