I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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