I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
