Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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