Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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