Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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