Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
