whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
