i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
