the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
