ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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