Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
