So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Never let your siblings swipe right.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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