She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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