Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
