The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
