i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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