Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
