i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
