There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
