Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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