You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Randomize
