Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
There's even glitter on my cock...
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