I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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