Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just high enough for therapy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
