i think my mom watched the whole time
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
