I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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