ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
